Nudist RIICHI
by nutellafueled
Summary: Nudist Beach holds a mahjong tournament to boost morale. Kan they have a fair match? Or will the players chi-t their way to glory? Who will have victory thrust upon them? May the best man pin! Knowledge of riichi mahjong is required to enjoy. Sou-rry :c


**Notes:** This was born, as are many story ideas, in the shower. Nothing like hot fumes to get the puns coming. I'll keep working on this slowly. Any ideas or comments are appreciated!

(Sorry in advance for the somewhat niche topic...)

* * *

**Chapter 1:**** Ping PON Circulate**

* * *

The air was flush with anticipation. The normally bustling base was still. One man sped as silently as possible to the centre hall, where the main event was taking place.

Despite his efforts, his entry did not go unnoticed.

"SANAGEYAMA!" Gamagoori roared, lowering himself quite the distance to look him in the eye. "YOUR LATENESS IS DISRESPECTFUL!"

"Sshh!" A woman Sanageyama only knew as that excitable No-Star friend of Matoi Ryuko's mother turned and tutted at the both of them. She looked as sweet as strawberries to his Mind's Eye, but Gamagoori stiffened up and spun forward as if she'd just stuffed some chilli croquettes up his ass.

Further up the room, someone – the commentator – cleared his throat. Everybody immediately craned their necks as close to – aw, hell.

Those were viewing screens. Why had he even bothered to turn up?

* * *

"A-hem. Testing, testing. Yes, the microphone seems to be working fine."

"Get on with it, Mister! Everyone's waiting."

"Quite right. My apologies. Many of you are no doubt aware that there have been a few tournaments recently. You might even have participated in them! Well, this is the one we've all been waiting for. It's the one that all the winners of the past tournaments come to stake their honour and glory in! Welcome... to the Nudist Beach Mahjong Finals!"

"_Put some more spirit into it, come on!"_

"_Bo-ring!"_

"_You Honnouji kids really don't know how to throw a party!"_

The commentator ignored them. "Here today to give you a live commentary are myself, Iori 'Eally Should Be Working On That Thing' Shirou, and our latest arrival, 'I'm 12 and what is this'... Mankanshoku Mataro!"

"Hell yeah, Mister Sewer! Mankanshoku Mataro newly arrived and reporting for duty!"

"Just because I am the Sewing Club President does not mean that I am a sewer. The correct term's tailor."

"Sorry, Mister. Are your arms better? I heard they were damaged when you were in a fight. You know the one... in the sewers?"

"... Please don't mention that again. It's a sore point. Or, rather, two. Anyway, while the contestants get ready, we should introduce ourselves. As I said, I'm the Sewing Club President. My hobby is making deadly garments and I guess I also play mahjong. What about you?"

"I'm Mankanshoku Mataro and I've just come back from Honnouji where I was hiding from the COVERS for my life! I've been playing mahjong my whole life with my family. When there weren't as many suit aliens around, me and my friends got a few mahjong games down too. Losers had to be the next to find food outside. And, well, I'm still here."

"And I do believe that covers our credentials. It seems the contestants have now taken their seats at the table, and are ready to start. Don't be afraid to let your voice out and show them your support! The speakers in that room haven't been switched off yet, so they can hear everything we're saying."

"And so, without further ado... In the East chair, we have a familiar face to all of us in the base, whether as a teacher or fellow soldier or an annoying spy you had to pretend not to know about. This is the operator of the Dotonbori Robo-"

("D T R!" Mikisugi yelled from inside the room, thereby ruining his introduction.)

"-Mr. DoTONbori ROBOOOOO... MIKISUGI AIKUROU!"

"Past data on Mikisugi is scant. However, based on what we could find, a tendency to open hands is evident."

"That play style's really like a true Nudist!"

"Well observed. Though whether this will serve him well in this game will be seen."

"My turn to introduce the South player! It's the hot lady who saved me... JAKUZURE NONON! Or should that be Nanan?"

"Please have some standards, Mataro. Or we'll lose what little listeners we already have."

"Sorry."

"No, you aren't. Anyway, Jakuzure's place is significant as the Elite Four actually held a selection tournament prior to this match. But that's a long story, so maybe more on that later. Suffice to say, she powered through on her intuition-based playstyle and came out top!"

"Something occult like that is impossible!"

"GUTS!"

"How did that dog get in here!? And where's my pincushion?"

"You got sharp senses, Mister! Here you go. Guts is pretty good at digging his way into things and coming out with stuff."

"You know, I think I know why you never lost any mahjong games when you were stuck in Honnouji now. At any rate, in the West chair, we have our resident doctor... MANKANSHOKU BARAZO! There doesn't seem to be much data on him at all. What do you have to say, Mataro?"

"All I know is that my dad's the best doctor ever! Everyone who leaves our clinic is happy!"

"Indeed. I owe him a great deal. Most of us do! So let's expect great things from our resident YAMI ISHA!"

"So who's the last player in the game, Mister? I can't think of anyone with a dumb joke to make that fits the North chair."

"Neither could the organisers, apparently. That's why the place was up for grabs in an open tournament! Want to take a guess as to who got the spot? I'll give you a hint: Data."

"Whaaaaat? But the only guy I can think of is that guy from the Elite-"

"That's right! It's Inumuta Houka! Having lost the Elite Four prelims by 400 points, he's here to get his revenge! We will see if this second chance gives him the end he wants! If there's anyone who can exploit what data there is available in order to get the edge, it's Inumuta!"

"GUTS!"

"Spoken like a true friend. And now that introductions are done, it's time to mute the speakers on the players' side. We wouldn't want to disrupt their focus, after all. Good luck!"

* * *

As Inumuta sat through the increasingly unbearable introductions, his lips grew thinner and thinner. Well, not that anybody else could actually see.

He met Jakuzure's gaze and immediately wished he hadn't. "What are you doing here, Doggy?" she asked with a smirk. "I thought I bumped you off in the prelim!"

Inumuta scowled. "I secured my entry through the open tournament. The one that people without bad-joke rights have to fight for a place in."

Jakuzure narrowed her eyes. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Inumuta smirked. "Whatever you think it means."

"Don't get so cocky. You didn't even get a bad joke in your intro! I beat you in the Elite Four prelims fair and square, and I'll do it again!"

"Stop bickering and start getting ready," Mikisugi said smoothly. There was a suspicious glow emitting from under the table, and Inumuta had to try very hard not to look. "These tiles aren't going to shuffle themselves."

'_If you know what I mean_' floated like haze in the background. Both Elite Four members were forced to call a temporary truce and do as they were told. At least this meant that there was something else to focus on.

"Ah..." Barazo joined in the shuffling, blissfully immune to Mikisugi's glowing body parts. "Youth."

* * *

**Next time:** More bad puns and hopefully some mahjong.


End file.
